The Skin - Chapter 1 - Pain

00:00:00: [MUSIC PLAYING]

00:00:04: The following podcast contains strong language and adult

00:00:07: themes and is intended for mature audiences.

00:00:12: Listener discretion is advised.

00:00:23: Heinke Digital presents The Skin, Show Me What Lies Beneath.

00:00:31: An audio book podcast by Christian Heinke.

00:00:51: [MUSIC PLAYING]

00:00:54: -

00:01:23: Prologue.

00:01:26: As the pain returned, Katherine couldn't help but smile.

00:01:30: I wondered where you had been for so long.

00:01:32: She greeted him.

00:01:34: He grabbed her again, his power taking her breath away.

00:01:38: A gray nothingness spread before her eyes.

00:01:41: No, Katherine, the professor's soft baritone warned.

00:01:46: Don't pass out.

00:01:47: Just hold onto the pain a little longer.

00:01:49: No problem, she whispered, barely audible.

00:01:53: She was being cynical.

00:01:55: The pain swirled inside her, but the professor didn't seem to notice.

00:01:59: That's my girl, he said.

00:02:02: It sounded paternal, but it echoed emptily in her skull.

00:02:06: This man didn't give a damn about her.

00:02:09: She knew that.

00:02:10: Indifference was something she was well acquainted with.

00:02:13: She wanted to hit him.

00:02:15: But right now, she couldn't even move her little toe.

00:02:18: The pain paralyzed her, throbbing in her head, gnawing at her lungs,

00:02:23: burning her skin, and she let it consume her.

00:02:26: Katherine Williams knew the pain well.

00:02:31: From the time she turned 14, it became her confidant, companion, and

00:02:34: invisible friend.

00:02:36: The entirety of her glamorous, horrible, professional modeling existence.

00:02:41: The pain followed her everywhere.

00:02:43: None of the airport pat-downs revealed it.

00:02:46: No customs official in the world declared it.

00:02:49: He flew with her across oceans, dashed from one show to the next,

00:02:53: had his makeup and hair done with her, strutted down the runway with her,

00:02:57: threw on another lavishly expensive rag, and wobbled down the runway again.

00:03:02: With her, who was called the goddess, and

00:03:04: yet was nothing more than a delicious piece of meat on a stick.

00:03:08: Middle-aged women gasped, fingered their wrinkled necks, and

00:03:12: immediately prescribed diets or surgery for their fading bodies.

00:03:17: Fat, tanned men licked their lips, tugged at the pants of their suits to hide their

00:03:21: erections, and

00:03:22: attentively fucked her when she paused briefly at the end of the runway.

00:03:25: Flashbulbs pierced her.

00:03:28: Thousands of eyes scrutinized every inch of her skin, and

00:03:32: the pain was always there.

00:03:33: He eagerly shared a line that glowed bluish in the black light.

00:03:37: In those moments, when she was completely out of herself,

00:03:43: when her immaculate cocoon did things that her mind, her spirit,

00:03:47: would never have allowed, when her arms wrapped around the body of her

00:03:50: Adonis of the weak, her fingers clawing into his dark hair, and

00:03:55: the triumphant expression on his smooth, sweaty face, as he, of all people,

00:04:00: was granted the privilege of sexual intercourse with one of the most

00:04:03: beautiful women on the planet, in those moments, the pain briefly took a step

00:04:08: back, back into the darkness from whence it had come.

00:04:13: She became very calm and peaceful inside.

00:04:15: For a few moments, she felt liberated.

00:04:20: The moment of silence and freedom ended, and

00:04:23: she heard her heavy breathing and stilettos against the tiled walls.

00:04:26: The distant bass thump, the chatter of two women at the large mirror, and

00:04:32: the moaning of two gay men in the next stall.

00:04:34: That's enough, she usually said.

00:04:38: Adonis kissed her with gratitude on the neck.

00:04:41: He slipped off the condom, and they shared the toilet paper to clean

00:04:45: themselves up, attuned like a familiar married couple.

00:04:48: Then they straightened their clothes, snorted a quick line, walked out of

00:04:53: the stall, and threw themselves back into the noisy swirl of bodies of beauty and

00:04:57: emptiness.

00:04:58: No, no, what did you promise me, Kathy?

00:05:03: The professor reminded her.

00:05:05: Katherine thought about it.

00:05:08: What had she promised that idiot?

00:05:10: She was so tired, she couldn't remember.

00:05:13: Then it came back to her.

00:05:16: Stay awake, she asked.

00:05:18: That's right, Katherine, stay awake.

00:05:21: Pain, thirst, she gasped, her eyes filled with tears.

00:05:28: It's all right, it'll be over soon.

00:05:31: The nurse will get you a glass of water, but

00:05:34: I don't wanna give you anything for the pain just yet.

00:05:37: The collapse of the PCL isn't quite complete.

00:05:40: The same medicine that would take away your pain could prevent the nerves from

00:05:43: connecting to your epidermis, and we don't want that, do we?

00:05:47: No, of course not, you moron.

00:05:50: She did not know what he was talking about.

00:05:53: She nodded quietly.

00:05:55: What had happened that she was lying here helpless,

00:05:58: wrapped in unbearable pain, talking to this professor asshole?

00:06:03: Was she in a hospital?

00:06:04: And why couldn't she see?

00:06:06: She abruptly remembered something.

00:06:09: An image in her blurred memory came into focus, a happy, familiar face.

00:06:15: She had to ask.

00:06:17: His name was Danny.

00:06:19: Where's Danny?

00:06:20: Is he okay?

00:06:21: Danny, the professor repeated her question, then paused, not for long.

00:06:27: But even that brief silence made her more desperate than all the previous pain and

00:06:32: thirst.

00:06:33: Danny's fine, the professor said.

00:06:36: Don't worry about him.

00:06:38: Something was wrong.

00:06:39: She didn't feel Danny's presence.

00:06:43: It felt like the connection between her and her child had been abruptly cut.

00:06:46: My God, Danny.

00:06:49: Don't lie to me.

00:06:51: Where is my son?

00:06:52: Where is Danny?

00:06:53: He's fine, Katherine, really, the professor tried to reassure her.

00:06:58: Another face appeared in her mind's eye.

00:07:00: I know you, the face had told her a million years ago.

00:07:04: Then it extended its hand to her.

00:07:07: Dito, she had replied and taken his hand in hers.

00:07:11: Then it had happened.

00:07:13: She had felt it.

00:07:14: Shelter, protection, perhaps love, the end of pain.

00:07:20: Richard, where's Richard?

00:07:23: Is Rich here?

00:07:25: Again, that little eerie pause.

00:07:27: The nice professor fell silent again.

00:07:29: He's here, safe and sound.

00:07:33: He wanted to see you right away, but we can't allow that yet.

00:07:36: He finally said, emphasizing the need to maintain the sterility of this room.

00:07:41: We'll see him.

00:07:43: Later, I promise you, Katherine.

00:07:46: Swear.

00:07:47: Katherine, please.

00:07:49: All that matters now is that.

00:07:50: Swear.

00:07:52: Her voice was shrill, and with each word came a strange gurgling sound.

00:07:58: She was getting scared.

00:08:00: What was wrong with her?

00:08:01: The professor sighed.

00:08:03: I swear on my wife's life you will see Richard and Danny again.

00:08:08: Everything will be all right, Katherine.

00:08:10: Fine, she croaked.

00:08:12: Everything's going to be fine.

00:08:14: Richard always said that.

00:08:16: There had been a time when she truly believed him, just pregnant with Danny.

00:08:20: She had been so afraid that her past pain would poison the new life growing inside

00:08:24: her, turning it into a nightmarish monster.

00:08:27: It's going to be okay, Katherine, Richard said.

00:08:31: He had held her until her tears had dried and the panic had subsided.

00:08:35: Yes, she had trusted Richard, but

00:08:39: she didn't trust this professor because the pain was back.

00:08:43: And how?

00:08:44: It ran through her body like glowing wires.

00:08:47: Don't, Katherine, the professor's voice urged her.

00:08:51: Don't faint, Katherine, please, don't faint now.

00:08:53: Stay right here.

00:08:55: Stay with me, Katherine.

00:08:56: [MUSIC]

00:09:06: Chapter 1, Back.

00:09:08: The first cut is the deepest, Rod Stewart, 1974.

00:09:14: Andy almost made it to the office that morning.

00:09:19: He got up early as usual, showered, shaved, and dressed.

00:09:23: As he prepared breakfast, he convinced himself that he was going to make it today.

00:09:27: He had made actual progress.

00:09:29: Today was finally the day.

00:09:30: After rinsing his cup and plate in the sink, he tucked the briefcase he had been

00:09:36: packing for weeks under his arm and walked to the garage.

00:09:39: But instead of getting into his Saab to drive to his office in Easton,

00:09:43: his eyes fell on the small sailboat in the back of the garage.

00:09:46: The Shark 24 boldly carried the name Vanity.

00:09:50: Andy's wife had chosen the name, although it didn't suit her at all.

00:09:53: Fran was anything but vain, but she had insisted on it.

00:09:58: The boat's mast had broken, and sand and seaweed still clung to the hull.

00:10:02: They found it on one sandbar of Calvert Cliffs, with no sign of Fran.

00:10:08: He stood there for a long time, staring at the dead boat.

00:10:13: In the end, he turned around and chose to walk instead.

00:10:18: And just like all the days before, when he'd only made it as far as the garage,

00:10:22: today his walk ended in St. Michael's.

00:10:25: What's seven miles between friends?

00:10:26: Seated on the pavilion steps,

00:10:29: he observed the jetties hustle and bustle in a trance.

00:10:33: The tide was coming in, and the stupid,

00:10:35: stubborn child in him still hoped it would bring Fran back.

00:10:39: And when he had stared long enough at the bay and the emptiness inside him, and

00:10:43: the psychiatrist inside him had said long enough in a soft voice

00:10:46: that Fran would never come back, Andy closed his eyes and

00:10:50: put that one special record back in his memory.

00:10:52: No, please don't, pleaded the cowardly,

00:10:56: sniveling wimp inside him, that would make him good money if it were one of his

00:11:00: patients, Fran and he were still at Yale.

00:11:03: In the small room she shared with Sandy Bergman, Fran had thrown a cloth over

00:11:07: the bedside lamp and said she couldn't be unfaithful to her crush.

00:11:11: She pointed to the sting poster above her bed.

00:11:14: He had then quickly put a pair of paper earphones on good old sting and

00:11:17: made Fran laugh.

00:11:19: He loved her laughter.

00:11:20: Then he put on a Bruce Springsteen record, and

00:11:23: they danced silently to the music in the dim light.

00:11:26: Later, they made love for the first time.

00:11:30: Yet, before anything else, blindfold the beautiful sting.

00:11:35: I can't do it with your crush watching, he had said, and

00:11:37: again she had laughed out loud and kissed him.

00:11:40: Sandy began to whimper softly, tears ran down his cheeks.

00:11:45: Great, so much for progress, Dr. Peterson, he thought.

00:11:49: Out of the corner of his eye,

00:11:52: he saw Jamie pull up to the edge of the park in her little Honda.

00:11:56: She got out and scanned the area for him, cupping her hand over her eyes like

00:12:00: a caricature of an Iroquoian in an old western.

00:12:03: Doc, she called.

00:12:06: She hadn't seen him yet.

00:12:07: If he ducked, she might not even see him.

00:12:10: She was short, plump, and sweet, more shortbread than efficient secretary.

00:12:15: Not so mean, honey, Fran remarked.

00:12:18: You always liked it when I was mean.

00:12:20: Yes, Andy, but not anymore, I'm dead.

00:12:23: Good point.

00:12:25: But why was he surprised?

00:12:26: Fran always had good arguments.

00:12:28: She was a hell of a lawyer.

00:12:30: He swallowed.

00:12:31: It had been, darling.

00:12:33: My wonderful nature and

00:12:34: my manpower have long since been taken over by someone else in Kevin's firm.

00:12:39: Yes, yes, it's all right.

00:12:40: I know you're dead.

00:12:42: He raised his hand with a sigh to get Jamie's attention.

00:12:45: I'm here.

00:12:47: She stumbled over to him immediately.

00:12:49: She had bought coffee and handed him a cup of white chocolate mocha.

00:12:53: Andy suddenly regretted being so mean to her.

00:12:56: She was a bad secretary, but a good person.

00:13:00: Weren't you going to come into the office today, Doc?

00:13:02: I mean, really?

00:13:04: Yep.

00:13:05: Doc?

00:13:06: Yep.

00:13:07: You're just sitting here in the park in St. Michaels again.

00:13:10: Instead of another yep,

00:13:12: he just stared at his wonderful, lovely, annoying secretary.

00:13:17: I know.

00:13:18: She took the empty cup from him and tossed it into a trash can.

00:13:21: Then she held out her hand.

00:13:24: Come on, come on.

00:13:25: Where to?

00:13:27: Well, where do you think?

00:13:29: To the office.

00:13:30: You have a patient.

00:13:32: He looked at her stupidly.

00:13:34: I have what?

00:13:35: A patient.

00:13:36: In case you don't remember, that's what they call people who come to your office

00:13:40: to have you fix the cups in their cabinets.

00:13:42: When he didn't respond to the old joke,

00:13:45: Jamie lowered his eyes and pushed his lower lip forward in insult.

00:13:49: Come on, Doc, give yourself a break.

00:13:52: She tugged at his arm.

00:13:54: He resisted.

00:13:55: What kind of patient, he asked.

00:13:58: Actually, a female patient.

00:14:01: She's been waiting for 47 minutes, and

00:14:03: she's almost finished reading all the magazines in the waiting room,

00:14:07: even the old ones.

00:14:08: Andy tried hard to understand Jamie.

00:14:11: A patient?

00:14:13: But I haven't practiced since, he didn't say it.

00:14:16: Say it.

00:14:18: No, Fran.

00:14:19: Then at least think it.

00:14:21: No.

00:14:22: Say it.

00:14:22: All right.

00:14:25: I haven't practiced since Fran died.

00:14:27: Since you died.

00:14:29: Good boy.

00:14:29: Then Andy thought he'd guessed it.

00:14:33: He looked sternly at his secretary.

00:14:35: Jamie.

00:14:37: But she raised her hands in defense.

00:14:39: No, Doc.

00:14:40: Really.

00:14:41: I didn't make an appointment with her.

00:14:43: She just walked into the office this morning.

00:14:46: And why didn't you tell her that my office is closed indefinitely?

00:14:50: Why didn't you send her to Samuel's, like my other patients?

00:14:54: That's what I told her.

00:14:55: But she said you'd probably make an exception for her.

00:14:58: Jamie?

00:14:59: No, really.

00:15:00: This isn't the usual scam.

00:15:02: Okay, I kind of felt bad for her.

00:15:04: Besides, I thought you might actually make an exception this time.

00:15:09: And why?

00:15:10: Maybe because you're better than Samuel's?

00:15:12: He shook his head.

00:15:15: Definitely not.

00:15:16: The opposite was true.

00:15:18: He wasn't better than Samuel's.

00:15:20: Currently, he desperately needed therapy.

00:15:22: Please, boss, please, Jamie pleaded.

00:15:27: Slowly, Andy realized.

00:15:29: Is the lady a celebrity?

00:15:31: He asked.

00:15:33: It was not uncommon in Talbot County.

00:15:35: Jamie, why the fuss over another celebrity?

00:15:39: Is the lady perhaps so prominent that you would move up in the pecking order of

00:15:43: the members of your book club if you were able to boast of your acquaintance with

00:15:47: her?

00:15:48: Jamie nodded so vigorously he feared her head would come off.

00:15:50: Debbie Schultz will die of envy.

00:15:54: He knew Debbie Schultz.

00:15:56: An unnatural death from an acute attack of envy was well within the realm of

00:15:59: possibility for her.

00:16:01: Slowly, he became curious.

00:16:04: Are you going to inform me about this person?

00:16:07: Jamie grinned.

00:16:08: I'm sure you'll like her, Doc.

00:16:10: Really?

00:16:12: A dream of a woman.

00:16:13: But of course she's completely Miss Shugga.

00:16:15: I can see that right away.

00:16:17: Understandable considering what she's been through.

00:16:20: Andy sighed.

00:16:22: Okay, Jamie, so who is it?

00:16:24: She was sitting on the narrow couch outside his office,

00:16:28: listlessly flipping through an old reader's digest as if she'd picked it up for

00:16:32: the third time.

00:16:34: She turned her head as he walked through the door and smiled at him.

00:16:38: It was a noncommittal smile, but it caught Andy with a ferocity that confused him.

00:16:43: It was wrong to respond to her in that manner.

00:16:46: Only his wife's smile could make him feel that way.

00:16:49: Yet he understood that Katherine Williams was not an ordinary woman.

00:16:54: He knew her too well, and she knew him.

00:16:57: She stood up.

00:16:58: He raised his arms a little helplessly to greet her.

00:17:01: Before he knew it, Katherine had wrapped her arms around him and

00:17:04: pressed herself wordlessly against him.

00:17:06: She still has the same scent as before, he thought irritably, and

00:17:11: felt his knees go weak.

00:17:13: And for a moment, he was no longer the widowed psychiatrist Andy Peterson, but

00:17:17: the gangly Andy with his high school sweetheart Kathy cuddling up to him.

00:17:21: But he didn't want that.

00:17:23: There was no turning back the clock.

00:17:25: He gently pulled away from her grip.

00:17:27: Her eyes were wet, and she was sobbing.

00:17:30: I'm sorry, it was, it's all right, Kath.

00:17:34: He swallowed.

00:17:36: Say something nice.

00:17:38: Fran, say something nice.

00:17:42: You look nice.

00:17:43: Thanks.

00:17:45: Only now did they notice Jamie standing there with her mouth open.

00:17:49: Andy pointed to the door of his office.

00:17:51: Go on in.

00:17:53: There's a box of Kleenex on the coffee table.

00:17:56: She nodded without a sound.

00:17:59: Andy turned to Jamie, who remained frozen like a pillar of salt,

00:18:02: staring at him with wide eyes.

00:18:05: You know Katherine Williams, Doc?

00:18:06: Andy couldn't help but smile.

00:18:09: No calls for the next hour, please.

00:18:11: She had taken off her shoes and was sitting cross-legged on the couch.

00:18:17: The sunlight caught in her hair and turned it to honey.

00:18:21: I forgot how beautiful she is.

00:18:23: He thought.

00:18:24: Of course, he had seen Katherine's face many times over the years.

00:18:28: It was inevitable.

00:18:29: It appeared larger than life on billboards, framed and

00:18:32: lit in display cases in sterile carpeted airport corridors, and

00:18:36: as a spread in glossy magazines.

00:18:38: This was not the real Katherine he knew, merely a face from his past.

00:18:43: With time, these copies ceased to sting him.

00:18:47: He glanced at them, or just turned the pages.

00:18:51: It was the real Katherine Williams,

00:18:53: here in his little waiting room, who took his breath away again.

00:18:56: She had noticed his gaze and had wrapped her arms around herself protectively.

00:19:01: Sorry, he said awkwardly.

00:19:04: He became little Andy again.

00:19:06: I, you just look fantastic.

00:19:11: She smiled painfully.

00:19:14: Too bad I don't feel that way.

00:19:15: Is it true what the paper said?

00:19:17: What do you mean?

00:19:20: Well, about the burns.

00:19:22: She nodded.

00:19:23: Yes, over 60% of my skin was damaged.

00:19:27: But how?

00:19:29: She shrugged.

00:19:31: Dr. Winters tried to explain it to me.

00:19:35: This tissue engineering stuff is overwhelming.

00:19:37: Maybe I should have finished high school like you told me to.

00:19:41: He didn't know what to say.

00:19:44: Those words could have initiated a session with any other patient, but

00:19:47: not with her.

00:19:50: How long will you be in Easton?

00:19:51: He asked as gently as he could.

00:19:53: About two weeks.

00:19:55: So she'd had trouble coming to you.

00:19:58: And how do you like it here?

00:19:59: It's very nice.

00:20:02: It's my first time here.

00:20:03: Tell me, where do you live?

00:20:06: There's a place that Richard acquired here a while ago.

00:20:09: When I found out you lived here, I kept putting off moving.

00:20:12: I, she stopped herself before adding, I'm sure Danny would have loved the water.

00:20:18: I'm sure he would.

00:20:20: And how are you?

00:20:22: She regained her composure.

00:20:24: I'm fine.

00:20:26: He tried to compose himself as well.

00:20:29: What brings you to me, Kath?

00:20:30: Is it because of the accident?

00:20:32: Or because of Danny and Richard?

00:20:36: No, that's why I was in therapy.

00:20:39: I mean, I still am in New York.

00:20:41: She bit her lips.

00:20:43: I'm only here because of your email.

00:20:46: It helped me a lot.

00:20:48: Her eyes became moist again.

00:20:50: She fell silent and sat with her head down.

00:20:52: I'm very sorry about your wife, she finally said.

00:20:56: You must have had a difficult time as well.

00:21:00: Your encouragement meant even more to me.

00:21:02: That was only natural.

00:21:04: Not necessarily.

00:21:06: Her hand traced the folds of the couch.

00:21:10: I haven't been very nice to you.

00:21:11: Noticing the blush rising to his face, he looked out the window.

00:21:16: That was 15 years ago.

00:21:19: We were children, Kath, forgiven and forgotten.

00:21:22: Just like that, she asked.

00:21:25: He thought about it, wanted to answer professionally and carefully.

00:21:29: But Katherine was the only person in his life besides Fran who could draw him out.

00:21:33: Life keeps moving, Kath, but not in exactly the same manner.

00:21:38: She locked eyes with him and clasped his hand.

00:21:41: Does it, she asked.

00:21:44: Without realizing it, he gently touched the back of her hand.

00:21:47: Only after a while did he realize that it was a gesture from their time together.

00:21:52: And he stopped immediately.

00:21:54: How hard it must be for you.

00:21:56: I may have lost my wife, but you, he couldn't say it.

00:22:00: She nodded.

00:22:01: I miss him, Andy.

00:22:04: With every heartbeat, I miss him.

00:22:05: He said nothing.

00:22:08: There was nothing to say.

00:22:09: He just held her hand.

00:22:11: [MUSIC]

00:22:16: One step.

00:22:17: Please, Mia pleaded.

00:22:20: You don't have to do this.

00:22:22: She took another step, backwards, onto the balcony.

00:22:26: Please, don't.

00:22:28: Fear had ruined her complexion.

00:22:30: The blood didn't help.

00:22:32: One more step.

00:22:33: Why are you doing this?

00:22:35: No answer.

00:22:38: She pushed her back against the railing.

00:22:40: Her hands groped for a way out.

00:22:42: There was none.

00:22:44: Please, I do love you.

00:22:47: Don't do this, Vic.

00:22:48: And another step.

00:22:50: What do you want from me?

00:22:52: She screamed, grabbing the straps of her negligee.

00:22:55: I do love you.

00:22:56: Please, you don't have to do this.

00:22:58: Here, I'm yours.

00:23:01: The silky fabric slid to the floor.

00:23:03: Her black hair fluttered in the wind.

00:23:05: She got goosebumps.

00:23:07: Please, do what you want.

00:23:09: Really no problem, Vic.

00:23:11: But please put the fucking knife down.

00:23:13: But he was already with her, shining steel in the moonlight.

00:23:17: The lights of the vehicles on the FDR, far below her,

00:23:21: like rivers of blood.

00:23:22: Thank you for listening.

00:23:30: diehaut.podigee.io.

00:23:38: [music fades out]